14.01.23

06:53

JOURNAL

its difficult, life unspared from faults and failures.

my wishes are never met, what i seek leads to lost time.

this time in america:

no house still (i was praying almost two years, naively assuming my mother would keep her word, to co-sign a mortgage for me);

another dead end career trajectory (currently in real estate boot camp i might quite probably be booted from, .. sending in my agent licensing application on monday, certified check and all);

working with my hands / manual labor with Hey-zus (today we are building a patio behind maer ken's house);


when does it all end? Eliissa told me to pick between living here, or returning to Albania.
i might aswell start frugal discount gambling again, try to make up a bit more money, and start slowly buying old stone houses in the middle of know where in southern shqiperia. i'd prefer living here, in the woods, however, but might as well wait for whatever inheritence i get, and hope i can buy then. However, being old in america is a losing game, with health care being a high priced retail business here. Another line of possibility is making money selling houses, though i'm not salesman. K. said she wants to move back, but i don't think i could share a house with her and her two dogs for long. Though she's a pro-agent, and would be kind enough to let me share in the profits, to assist her somehow in closing deals, and being profitable.

when it never ends, i go numb from waiting, and i should just start now, not caring again, to fitfully retire, and do whatever i wish, as long as it harms none, including, myself.


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