04.03.08

12:30 am

JOURNAL

From the beginning of the journey, (which never began, as it can be said) there was no room for explanation, but plenty for self gratification which is, I mean __ expansion thru the experience. No time for thought for thought didn’t get me high, or keep me wandering through the jasmine like stone fields of ecstasy I had learned to access through meditation involving mindfulness of dancing b’tween the half-life of certain substances, body chemicals, and spiritual investigation of feeling.
Crossing over to the other side as some may say, or, you might imagine, a realm of pure feeling, somewhat similar to blunt revelation of Self as All that exists, including what lacks being, --- the Trip, for I was there and the only way I’m writing this, & making even a near sense of personal identity, is the fact that “I have returned” to the workings of my natural mind that functions within society. Many others have been on The Trip, or fell off the edge of the Universe, & returned. There are also the non-returners which even may include the real entities once residing in form as Shakymuni Buddha, Jesus of Nazareth, Ramana Maharishi, ….|
There are different scenarios and seemingly realms that are accessed by humans in the later part of our development, say from Egyptian Majick Society to Christian Evangelism. Every other week or so, I am hearing of this man, in this situation, going ecstatic from a common held idea/symbol/truth?, such as “God”, after praying, i.e., continuously pondering, .., worshiping. It can be seen everywhere, either numbed down into trance dynamics which includes technology of media devices: television, internet browsing, cellular phone use, etc. Or kept at a reasonable pace through self medication (which can include mostly all soothing habits) even if unconscious. All these things can be seen as creating a sedation trying to find that one pure emotion, that one Heaven you can control.
To conclude this draft introduction, I would like to note one of my experiences’s involving this, which is to say a recounting of the past, which is to honestly say a complete falsehood:

Back then I was big into Mantra recitation. I was naive to the power of the method, & the way it could move me secretly. One eve, after another toilsome day of work at DSI’s daycare for mentally + physically disabled adults I flipped my shit, not necessarily going crazy, but it did involve me calling my mother on the train ride home to Far N. Portland from Gresham W. Portland. Over the phone, I expressed to her that I saw clearly how everyone is a kid in PDX, that I was having a nervous break down, …, I as completely drained. During the time getting off the phone, till 9 that evening where I was kneeling at my altar, at some point I began to recite continuously ‘Give up’. :-: which lasted for a few hours plus. Once at my altar, still repeating ‘Give Up’, my hands together, making a diamond between my palms, lowering my back, falling over my folded legs, until my brain apparently stopt ending all personal identification, & therefore suffering. An infinite field of being opened within me, completely eradicating any sense of ‘I’. At this point I stood up, & sought my personal coach, life long friend, & roommate then, to tell of this fortunate event. When descending the crooked stairway I heard “You are seen in the light”. From that night onward my journey of self inquiry & exploration of inner world reality began that eventually led to the Emmanuel Hospital psyche ward living in such a state of confusion I did not trust my own logic or others.


I sought “God” with maximum effort, pulling my vocal chords in chant hour to hour, day to day.
The trance effect I was living was one part of the ecstacy I mentioned. Another part was the
Feeling of being “off the hook”, residing in a intense alertness of my surroundings, the beings within them, and of my undeniable solution to the mystery ego machine. The solution: complete disregard for who I was at that moment as seen by the ego, what the ego forecasted me being after the moment, and what I had been before this moment. In other words, I had a full resolution to not be chained by memories creating an “I” sense, or identification b/t the ego & the body. I nearly saw them as transparent phantoms, which led down the rabbit’s hole, as it were, to greater
actions taken in a newly discovered dream world. During my short trip thru time/space of that 3 weeks I was chanting “MET-A-“ frequently. The feeling I got from using the word, I applied to blast thru the ego. “ i META girl in ole’ sanfey, she asked me her name, she asked me my name”; ‘ MET-A- Garbage Truck, META garbage man”

So, I never found “it” like I did the first time. “It” found me the second time a week before I dreamed my way in to the mobile infirmary psyche ward on august 10th 2006. It happened on a beach, I was laid back on sand, looking at the stars, half buzzed on wine & vodka, wandering with my eyes into the never-ending sky, when the voices came, & stole my attentions, my ability for comfort of identity. From there I was on the look out, what now I refer to as sketching, in a manic reality, -- a phantasmagoria, an expansive world of eternity.

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